I'm baaaaaack!

Here's what's up dawgz.

I'm at art college, I'm doing well, I am going to work my ass off all year and get a fucking good place at uni.

I'm playing guitar. Two hours each night at least, with my effects pedal, I'm going to start a band and I'm serious about rocking in the new world.

I'm reading. Alot. The Da Vinci Code took 3 days. Notes are pinned all over my wall and I know that I'm so close to starting a novel. It's exhilirating.

I'm over Nancy. Yes, really. I'm close to dating other girls and I have a social life. Just one thing though - I have no heart. I'm empty inside and I can't love anyone the way I loved her. I don't know if it's ever going to heal to be honest. The most painful thing is the way she pretends I don't exist. But it doesn't matter.

College! My course is going okay. I spend all my time painting, and I did a ton of self portraits last week, but after the October break I think I'll have caught up.

Oh, on the Tuesday after this one I'm going to Stirling with Ryan. We're staying at his sister's flat for a couple of days and going out on the town. How cool is that? His sister is so awesome, and secretly I think just so cute. I thought Ryan was driving us up, and I looked forward to listening to fab music, but apparently we're getting the train - I'll finally use my railway card at least. I can't wait! And next weekend is John's birthday, and although I'm working Saturday and Sunday I'm still going to have a great night with all of the guys (and few gals).

I'm going to spend all October break working for college and playing guitar. Oh, maybe seeing Jack if he's due back from uni. I'm going to ask this girl Charlotte if we can meet up. She's in my art course and I think she's rather cute. She's short, blonde, likes old rock bands and has a bubbly personality. But she smokes and wears nail polish. Zanne on the other hand is incredibly beautiful (the way Nancy was), tall and sexy, likes punk and enjoys satire/reading - she got me into Da Vinci Code and a bunch of awesome bands. Thing is Zanne is 20, she drives and I have doubts that she'd even go out with me outside of college. Although we do get on quite well. Gah! I really don't know where I am on the relationship front. Can't have anything serious after Nance, and can't have anything too casual because of my personal feelings about sex and everything. Maybe I will be alone all my life. =|

Jobwise things are lame. I'm still working at Tesco, but only on Sundays, and I can't seem to get a job anywhere else. I went up to the hospital kitchen the other day and I have hopes of getting a job there. I really wanted to work in a shop or a pub this year, but the money at Nithbank Hospital is just wonderful, so I won't have to work too much. =)

I got a provisional driving license application. I'm waiting for mother to write me a cheque for it, so hopefully I'll be driving by next Spring. Although not much, because I'm all for public transport and I loathe people driving around just for fun, polluting the environment. I especially hate girls who, even though they're very intelligent, manage to fall for guys just because they have a nice car. Argh! I just can't stand relying on other people any longer. I'm in control now. I'm not going to let anyone take away what I care about anymore.

I'm very tired right now, I haven't slept for weeks - my herbal sleeping pills are no bloody use, and I'm probably not going to get any medication from a doctor for awhile. I just can't shut down until I'm absolutely exhausted. I've figured out that most of my depression is down to relationship issues, i.e. Nancy (although not her exclusively, I just gambled too much emotionally on her and lost). I'm coping by keeping company now, that helps alot. Being alone is the worst, when I start to think about things and question how I live my life. I do want to die so much at times. It passes, but I know it's going to come back again, when I see a picture or read a sentence that reminds me how alone I am in the world. Music helps me cope, and novels, and friends, and sometimes alcohol (I've still never been drunk), and I'm thinking about taking up smoking (I like the idea of having a pipe), or maybe cannibas? Look at me rambling away!

I was just talking to Nathania Weir for the first time in like, a year! She rawks my socks so damn goodl. She's doing Chinese at uni now, but she's coming back home next weekend, and we might meet up. Twould be great to have some female company for a change, without the worries of sexual tension. I think my relationship with Nathania is the strangest I've had with anyone, probably because I changed alot since meeting her. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. I'm talking to Clanger now (whatever your real name is), and I know that Holly is alright (just not online anymore), and I hope Nancy's okay, whether she cares if I do or not, and I hope Leigh is doing well, and I hope all the folk on 60s_rockbands are well, like Julie and Daytripper and Haight, and all the rest. Who else do I know on LJ? Can't bloody remember.

Be happy people!

I'm fucking not.

=P